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insomnia chronicles part 7
Aug. 30th, 2011 03:19 amWhen I was in 6th grade, several things of note occurred. I mean, I'm sure there were a lot of them for me-at-11, like TAKING MY OWN SELF TO SCHOOL every day and whatever, but we're talking in the thematic-long-view sense. I and something like 10 or 15 other 6th-graders sat out a day of classes to take the SATs, and I participated in the production of the musical "The Wiz". I got a 1230, incidentally, a number that is meaningless to future generations since they changed the scoring, but proof of which was initially framed on my desk and later crumpled in a drawer and possibly thrown away. "The Wiz" wasn't a particularly great performance or anything, and in fact I only did crew (which in a middle school production means essentially roaming around aimlessly in a black shirt), but our drama teacher gave an opening night speech that I desperately needed to hear at that age, and of which I seem to be more frequently reminding myself the older I get.
In all likelihood her speech lasted a few minutes, but I only really remember how it ended. After going over all the hard work we had put into the show and telling us to have fun with the performance, Stacy concluded by telling us No matter how this goes tonight, I will still love you. I won't love you any less if you fail or any more if you succeed. My school was extremely small and Stacy had known all of us for three or four years at this point, if not longer, so it wasn't unusual for her to express affection like that. I remember being so stunned, though, by the second half of that - obviously adults still had to love you even if you fucked up, but equally obviously, if you did better, then they would love you more.
My craving for validation has lessened as I've gotten older (or, equally as likely, I have just gotten better at managing it myself), but as I enter my last semester of grad school and start looking for jobs, I feel the need to remind myself again. It doesn't matter if I'm hired somewhere prestigious, because I won't be anymore me if I am, and that's why anyone who really loves me does, anyway.
In all likelihood her speech lasted a few minutes, but I only really remember how it ended. After going over all the hard work we had put into the show and telling us to have fun with the performance, Stacy concluded by telling us No matter how this goes tonight, I will still love you. I won't love you any less if you fail or any more if you succeed. My school was extremely small and Stacy had known all of us for three or four years at this point, if not longer, so it wasn't unusual for her to express affection like that. I remember being so stunned, though, by the second half of that - obviously adults still had to love you even if you fucked up, but equally obviously, if you did better, then they would love you more.
My craving for validation has lessened as I've gotten older (or, equally as likely, I have just gotten better at managing it myself), but as I enter my last semester of grad school and start looking for jobs, I feel the need to remind myself again. It doesn't matter if I'm hired somewhere prestigious, because I won't be anymore me if I am, and that's why anyone who really loves me does, anyway.