two can keep a secret
Mar. 15th, 2012 02:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
So, you know how no one here regularly watches Pretty Little Liars and it makes me sad all day long?? THE TIME HAS COME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, because they have ramped up the already breakneck pace of surreality and I need to talk to you about Patty.

That's it. There's the ladyedit of the episode. Emily's romance plots always tend to be pretty separate from the A-tharc* of the show, if you will, maybe because they don't want to muddy up the ethical questions of her various goings-on. It does usually mean that around the last two or three episodes of the season, her relationships conveniently end. I feel like maybe the Maya 2.0 plotline is going to be more plot relevant, but maybe not. Maybe they just wanted Maya to know Jason so Emily could make fun of his face, which: respect.

SPEAKING OF FACES: hey Toby! Your new haircut makes your face look less...murderous, I guess is the word I'm looking for here.

And I guess that's why Spencer is looking at you like she'd like to consume you. Literally or biblically. She's wearing her sexy turtleneck just for your return! Wait, what's that evil sounding music?

WHOOPS, IT'S THE EVIL BLIND LADY COME TO RUIN YOUR MOMENT. We'll talk about her later.

I bring this guy up for two reasons: one, he is the star of my favorite ridiculous plot since the last episode, and second of all because you know how on some shows, all of the bit actors tend to be kind of similar? Like, on The X-Files, none of them were that great at disguising their Canadian accents, so all the minor characters in episodes have really weird manners of elocution? On Pretty Little Liars, every dude looks basically the same. And it's like this.

Um, why, how did you dress for high school? Was it not in a floor length gown slash leather jacket and skirt slash military jacket Catholic school uniform slash oversized sweater with holes cut into the shoulders?? God, how weird, I thought everyone dressed like that.

It's funny because Toby wants to beat Dr Wren's face in for scamming on Spencer. Wait, hang on, let's come back to that too.

No, why would it be weird that Emily wears flannel and oversized sweaters all the time? Psych, just kidding, it's because she is Queen of Lesbians. Are you a gay lady who lives in the Philadelphia area? Have you dated Emily? Check again, I think you'll find you have.

Jesus H. Annie Hall Christ. The sad thing about Jason is that I actually like him for a) being the only non-dad older male character who isn't a pedophile b) his whole murder incest thing with Spencer (his secret half-sister!!! GOD, WE HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT THAT EITHER), except that b) makes me less into a) even though if a) weren't a thing I wouldn't be into b). YOSSARIAN TAKE THE WHEEL.

Verbatim: "I can offer you...chocolate milk?"
EZRA, YOU ARE SCAMMING ON THIS LADY'S UNDERAGE DAUGHTER, you lose snark privileges. You squirrelly fucking doofus. PS NICE OFFICE, you first year English full professor who was hired mid-year (?????) at a local college (??????) at 23 (????????). PS, your apartment is seriously the size of the bedroom of my apartment. You are ridiculous. Love the vintage photos. Nice touch.

NOPE

I am in love with Mona's entire plan here, and the fact that between this and her buying Hanna a new phone (after she threw hers into the garbage disposal when her mother demanded text message records [it made more sense in the moment (no it did not)]), Mona basically is basically the money behind all Liar operations. "I'll lure him in by hypnotizing him with my Star Trek belt and then some garbage about my rockabilly hipster cousin (?????) and then Hanna comes in and SPRINGS THE TRAP, by which I mean, just openly asks him why he's hanging around his evil sister, and then he'll tell you to screw off because obviously. Perfect plan! Even though, AWWW, TOBY'S SELLING HIS SPENCER TRUCK YOU GUYS, HIS HEART IS SO BROKEN :((((

The plan failed, you guys. I just wanted you to see that outfit again. Also, America.

God, Ali, what a weird collection of bullshit. I'm sure we'll find out in two episodes that actually Ali was Rambaldi and when you put all the clues together in the right order in front of the right nightmare doll, it activates her time portal and she appears smugly in front of everyone, and it will be amazing, but I am wondering what all the used up unmatched markers have to do with anything.

HA HA HA HA HA
You know that thing of where you're a 17-year-old and you meet a stranger in a parking lot and he knew your dead friend, so you meet him at an airplane hanger and then get into a prop plane with him and he hands over the controls to you and you're able to successfully fly a plane while he tells you creepy shit about your dead friend? That thing?

God, Aria's dad is just the worst. HOW DO YOU OUTWORST EVERYONE ELSE. I hope the first thing Ali does after she escapes the time portal is murder your hypocritical sanctimonious ass. Good job glowering in the doorway. Very effective and mature opening to you blackmailing your daughter's boyfriend out of the city.
Also: is that Ezra's filing cabinet? Did he rob a library? Let's discuss.

NOPE
Okay. I mean, not the Maya stuff, I mean, UNDISCLOSED SENDER? Why couldn't Maya use her own email?? EMAILS AREN'T LIKE PHONE NUMBERS. THAT'S NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS. PS: loooooooooool Emily getting spam about prescription drugs. PPS: This is still not worse than the time Hanna hacked into Caleb's computer while he and it were both in police custody, but let's still talk about that another time.

The moms on this show are the best. I love Mrs Spencer's face. "I know it's difficult dealing with the fact that the hot neighbor who was suspect #3 in your Dead Friend Police Line-Up is actually your half-brother because your father was having a years long affair, and that your father and I totally think your sister murdered your dead friend, but it's just so tacky having to say all this out loud. Let's never speak of it again."

I like how they have to set the camera, like, two feet off the ground in order to not make the Montgomerys look like hobbits. Tiny family. It doesn't matter what they're saying, just assume Aria's dad is being the worst (he is) and her mom is being great (she is).

WHAAAAAAAAAAT

DOUBLE WHAT

I mean, that's some awesome symmetry right there. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE JENNA THING, since this is the second time Jenna has been blown up all to hell: Jenna's whole deal is that she's blind because Ali (and tacitly the Liars, except they didn't know they were doing it, but Jenna doesn't know/believe they didn't know) threw a smoke bomb into the garage to freak out Jenna, because Jenna was a threat to her socially and dressed up as Rival Gaga at Halloween (?????) and the Liars just thought they were spying, which they kind of also were, and they found out that Jenna was coercing Toby (her stepbrother) into having sex with her, because if he didn't she would tell the parents that he was abusing her. Families!! So anyway. Jenna's whole deal is that they blinded her because she was sexually abusing her stepbrother, essentially. And she gets the villain treatment on the show, except when they want you to remember that they blinded her, except when they want you to remember that she is a nightmare to Toby, except when she's just a messed up 17-year-old as a result of what she's been through. You see what I'm saying? It's not an even character, there. But it's nice that now they're rescuing her instead of some other horrible thing.
(Jenna never pressed charges or whatever because Ali threatened her with giving a recording she'd taken of Jenna telling Toby about how he was going to have sex with her on account of blackmail to the police, if Jenna didn't just say it was a freak garage explosion. And so she did. And no one had any further questions about it, obviously.)

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SPENCER. Hey, remember that time I posted about how all the heterosexual relationships on this show are the fucking weirdest? Try this one on: Wren used to date Spencer's older sister, when Spencer was like, 15, and then they made out one time, because every male who isn't a dad is a pedophile. Then later Wren and Spencer ran into each other again and he was super flirty, but Spencer was still with Toby, and then when Spencer had to break up with Toby so A wouldn't murder him via construction, she had Emily tell Toby it was because she was still in love with Wren. And then she and Wren got all flirty and handsy at a bar, and now he's stitching up her Jenna-fire-wounds. And uh, the show kind of wants this to be less sketch than Aria and Ezra, because the power thing is less fucked up since at least Wren isn't her teacher in school, WHICH IS TRUE, but also you guys, Wren's like, at least a resident, so dude is probably like 27. THAT'S WORSE TOO, EVEN IF HE'S ENGLISH.

Sweet aquarium dress? I like how Aria's parents won't let her see Ezra (at which tasks they are total pros, obviously), but all her other adult male friends are totally normal. That hot neighbor guy who is always loitering around the high school where he is not employed? Story checks out.

NORMAL CREEPY A BULLSHIT!! Ugh, and you don't even get the effect of the music box song. Also, I feel like this AMONG MANY OTHER FACTORS contributes to the multiple-A theory. Which I fully have, because I don't watch this show ironically anymore, I need it like oxygen.
* I STAND BY IT. It's more satisfying to pronounce than Aarc, anyway, even if it doesn't make sense. Aardvarc.
Okay, let's meet up tomorrow and discuss the next episode.

That's it. There's the ladyedit of the episode. Emily's romance plots always tend to be pretty separate from the A-tharc* of the show, if you will, maybe because they don't want to muddy up the ethical questions of her various goings-on. It does usually mean that around the last two or three episodes of the season, her relationships conveniently end. I feel like maybe the Maya 2.0 plotline is going to be more plot relevant, but maybe not. Maybe they just wanted Maya to know Jason so Emily could make fun of his face, which: respect.

SPEAKING OF FACES: hey Toby! Your new haircut makes your face look less...murderous, I guess is the word I'm looking for here.

And I guess that's why Spencer is looking at you like she'd like to consume you. Literally or biblically. She's wearing her sexy turtleneck just for your return! Wait, what's that evil sounding music?

WHOOPS, IT'S THE EVIL BLIND LADY COME TO RUIN YOUR MOMENT. We'll talk about her later.

I bring this guy up for two reasons: one, he is the star of my favorite ridiculous plot since the last episode, and second of all because you know how on some shows, all of the bit actors tend to be kind of similar? Like, on The X-Files, none of them were that great at disguising their Canadian accents, so all the minor characters in episodes have really weird manners of elocution? On Pretty Little Liars, every dude looks basically the same. And it's like this.

Um, why, how did you dress for high school? Was it not in a floor length gown slash leather jacket and skirt slash military jacket Catholic school uniform slash oversized sweater with holes cut into the shoulders?? God, how weird, I thought everyone dressed like that.

It's funny because Toby wants to beat Dr Wren's face in for scamming on Spencer. Wait, hang on, let's come back to that too.

No, why would it be weird that Emily wears flannel and oversized sweaters all the time? Psych, just kidding, it's because she is Queen of Lesbians. Are you a gay lady who lives in the Philadelphia area? Have you dated Emily? Check again, I think you'll find you have.

Jesus H. Annie Hall Christ. The sad thing about Jason is that I actually like him for a) being the only non-dad older male character who isn't a pedophile b) his whole murder incest thing with Spencer (his secret half-sister!!! GOD, WE HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT THAT EITHER), except that b) makes me less into a) even though if a) weren't a thing I wouldn't be into b). YOSSARIAN TAKE THE WHEEL.

Verbatim: "I can offer you...chocolate milk?"
EZRA, YOU ARE SCAMMING ON THIS LADY'S UNDERAGE DAUGHTER, you lose snark privileges. You squirrelly fucking doofus. PS NICE OFFICE, you first year English full professor who was hired mid-year (?????) at a local college (??????) at 23 (????????). PS, your apartment is seriously the size of the bedroom of my apartment. You are ridiculous. Love the vintage photos. Nice touch.

NOPE

I am in love with Mona's entire plan here, and the fact that between this and her buying Hanna a new phone (after she threw hers into the garbage disposal when her mother demanded text message records [it made more sense in the moment (no it did not)]), Mona basically is basically the money behind all Liar operations. "I'll lure him in by hypnotizing him with my Star Trek belt and then some garbage about my rockabilly hipster cousin (?????) and then Hanna comes in and SPRINGS THE TRAP, by which I mean, just openly asks him why he's hanging around his evil sister, and then he'll tell you to screw off because obviously. Perfect plan! Even though, AWWW, TOBY'S SELLING HIS SPENCER TRUCK YOU GUYS, HIS HEART IS SO BROKEN :((((

The plan failed, you guys. I just wanted you to see that outfit again. Also, America.

God, Ali, what a weird collection of bullshit. I'm sure we'll find out in two episodes that actually Ali was Rambaldi and when you put all the clues together in the right order in front of the right nightmare doll, it activates her time portal and she appears smugly in front of everyone, and it will be amazing, but I am wondering what all the used up unmatched markers have to do with anything.

HA HA HA HA HA
You know that thing of where you're a 17-year-old and you meet a stranger in a parking lot and he knew your dead friend, so you meet him at an airplane hanger and then get into a prop plane with him and he hands over the controls to you and you're able to successfully fly a plane while he tells you creepy shit about your dead friend? That thing?

God, Aria's dad is just the worst. HOW DO YOU OUTWORST EVERYONE ELSE. I hope the first thing Ali does after she escapes the time portal is murder your hypocritical sanctimonious ass. Good job glowering in the doorway. Very effective and mature opening to you blackmailing your daughter's boyfriend out of the city.
Also: is that Ezra's filing cabinet? Did he rob a library? Let's discuss.

NOPE
Okay. I mean, not the Maya stuff, I mean, UNDISCLOSED SENDER? Why couldn't Maya use her own email?? EMAILS AREN'T LIKE PHONE NUMBERS. THAT'S NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS. PS: loooooooooool Emily getting spam about prescription drugs. PPS: This is still not worse than the time Hanna hacked into Caleb's computer while he and it were both in police custody, but let's still talk about that another time.

The moms on this show are the best. I love Mrs Spencer's face. "I know it's difficult dealing with the fact that the hot neighbor who was suspect #3 in your Dead Friend Police Line-Up is actually your half-brother because your father was having a years long affair, and that your father and I totally think your sister murdered your dead friend, but it's just so tacky having to say all this out loud. Let's never speak of it again."

I like how they have to set the camera, like, two feet off the ground in order to not make the Montgomerys look like hobbits. Tiny family. It doesn't matter what they're saying, just assume Aria's dad is being the worst (he is) and her mom is being great (she is).

WHAAAAAAAAAAT

DOUBLE WHAT

I mean, that's some awesome symmetry right there. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE JENNA THING, since this is the second time Jenna has been blown up all to hell: Jenna's whole deal is that she's blind because Ali (and tacitly the Liars, except they didn't know they were doing it, but Jenna doesn't know/believe they didn't know) threw a smoke bomb into the garage to freak out Jenna, because Jenna was a threat to her socially and dressed up as Rival Gaga at Halloween (?????) and the Liars just thought they were spying, which they kind of also were, and they found out that Jenna was coercing Toby (her stepbrother) into having sex with her, because if he didn't she would tell the parents that he was abusing her. Families!! So anyway. Jenna's whole deal is that they blinded her because she was sexually abusing her stepbrother, essentially. And she gets the villain treatment on the show, except when they want you to remember that they blinded her, except when they want you to remember that she is a nightmare to Toby, except when she's just a messed up 17-year-old as a result of what she's been through. You see what I'm saying? It's not an even character, there. But it's nice that now they're rescuing her instead of some other horrible thing.
(Jenna never pressed charges or whatever because Ali threatened her with giving a recording she'd taken of Jenna telling Toby about how he was going to have sex with her on account of blackmail to the police, if Jenna didn't just say it was a freak garage explosion. And so she did. And no one had any further questions about it, obviously.)

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SPENCER. Hey, remember that time I posted about how all the heterosexual relationships on this show are the fucking weirdest? Try this one on: Wren used to date Spencer's older sister, when Spencer was like, 15, and then they made out one time, because every male who isn't a dad is a pedophile. Then later Wren and Spencer ran into each other again and he was super flirty, but Spencer was still with Toby, and then when Spencer had to break up with Toby so A wouldn't murder him via construction, she had Emily tell Toby it was because she was still in love with Wren. And then she and Wren got all flirty and handsy at a bar, and now he's stitching up her Jenna-fire-wounds. And uh, the show kind of wants this to be less sketch than Aria and Ezra, because the power thing is less fucked up since at least Wren isn't her teacher in school, WHICH IS TRUE, but also you guys, Wren's like, at least a resident, so dude is probably like 27. THAT'S WORSE TOO, EVEN IF HE'S ENGLISH.

Sweet aquarium dress? I like how Aria's parents won't let her see Ezra (at which tasks they are total pros, obviously), but all her other adult male friends are totally normal. That hot neighbor guy who is always loitering around the high school where he is not employed? Story checks out.

NORMAL CREEPY A BULLSHIT!! Ugh, and you don't even get the effect of the music box song. Also, I feel like this AMONG MANY OTHER FACTORS contributes to the multiple-A theory. Which I fully have, because I don't watch this show ironically anymore, I need it like oxygen.
* I STAND BY IT. It's more satisfying to pronounce than Aarc, anyway, even if it doesn't make sense. Aardvarc.
Okay, let's meet up tomorrow and discuss the next episode.
no subject
on 2012-03-15 06:03 pm (UTC)that's all i got
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
no subject
on 2012-03-19 08:21 pm (UTC)