got a secret

[tropiavera]

WELCOME BACK, LIARS. ROLL CALL!


Hanna, with new sassy haircut! Filling us in on what everyone did with their summer vacation. Hanna....I already forgot.


Spencer and Aria, with awesomely smug expressions, apparently spent the summer hooking up! I mean, "taking a semester's worth of classes at Hollis" and "something something photography competitive" that Spencer is really braggy about. Whatever, I'm into it. It's part of the incipient ship war taking place in my house. Wait, we'll come back to that.


Emily...worked for Habitat for Humanity and also got super depressed and developed an alcohol problem! Aw. Ems. Emily is much, much drunker than anyone else in this scene, to the point where you but no one else is like, but what is actually in that flask?


Hahaha, aww. First of all, that is adorable. Second of all, can any of you spend more than an hour in Spencer's house without mysterious doors?


Hanna, what the balls. I know we need to focus on how Emily is missing, but I kind of can't look away from your 80s workout montage shirt(s).


Emily, why are you standing in front of that empty grave, wh-


-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! P.S. TRUSTED FRIEND hahahaha I AM SO SURE, HEADSTONE.


Perfect graverobbing outfits. I mean, technically they're not the graverobbers, but like I'm so sure that's going to matter to a) A; b) the police. This weird thing also happens, where Spencer realizes that someone called Emily from her phone, which is the super creepiest thing that has ever happened so far in this episode, and somehow THAT is what makes them realize it was a set-up. Not the part where their obviously-more-than-drunk-friend disappeared and wound up at an empty grave with no memory of how she got there. All of that checks out.


Okay, this is a "lightning flare," but whatever. WHAT ARE YOUR CLOTHES. HOW IS RUBBING A SHOVEL WITH A JACKET GOING TO REMOVE DNA. WHY DO YOU JUST LEAVE THE SHOVEL IN THE WOODS. YANI GELLMAN, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.


For how frequently evidence gets burned in the Hastings family fireplace, you'd thing that either Spencer would get better at knowing how to not smother a fire OR the police would just seize the entire thing. Somehow: neither.


Blah blah blah lake house alibis. P.S. Spencer's family are wealthy blue blood types, can you tell


75% spelling accuracy is a new Channel 9 News best.


STOP THAT THIS INSTANT. Also, Ezra tries to be all romantic about how DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS WEEKEND IS?? to which Aria replies, uh, yeah, obviously it's the anniversary of when one of my best friends was brutally murdered, thanks for bringing it up again.


Ezra: HA HA O U AND UR "SEPARATE LIFE". More important than your childhood trauma: IT'S WHEN WE FIRST HOOKED UP. Stoooop iiiiiiiiiit. "You still haven't finished reading [Ulysses]?" "No one has." YOU ARE THE WORST ENGLISH TEACHER


So, it turns out Hanna is secretly visiting the unresponsive Mona, using Caleb's last name (aw). How anyone assumed she WOULDN'T visit Mona is beyond me.


...at which hospital she runs into Wren, obviously, because he works at every hospital in the greater Philly area. I kind of like this thing where one Liars becomes friends with the older sketchball love interest of another Liar. I don't know, it's complicated.


OH YOU TWO WITH YOUR WEIRD PLUMBING SEX GAMES. Wait, that came out wrong. The moral of the story is, Toby moved out of his parents' house into an apartment in downtown Sleepy Hollow, but the plumbing is broken and in loco parentis Spencer basically has the Liars, so....ab city.


No.


Lucas has, against all odds, become weirder and squirrelier. And prone to carrying around mysterious backpacks.


And then Aria attempts to do normal teen things, like use the bathroom by herself, but someone comes in while she's there to act all sketchy, and she has a panic attack. It's actually really sad and well done. Hanna and Spencer are stressed out and sad on Aria's behalf, and hug her once she's less panicked, and then Hanna tells her that "one day [they] will have jubilation" in this tone that implies jubilation is the flesh of their enemies, because over the summer Hanna decided to improve her vocabulary.


Meanwhile, Spencer keeps getting calls from "Unknown" (and lying that the calls are from Toby) and having a very business-like manicure. Spencer! Come on!


AHHHHHHH, the greatest ever revelation!!! Ella is leaving Byron, you guys, GREATEST DECISION EVER? The choice so nice she made it twice. And then they have a conversation about how Ella always wanted to let Aria be herself, and letting her date a 25-year-old who was only moments earlier her teacher is part of that, which kind of ruins it, but whatever. F Byron.


Apparently Toby's apartment is above the coffee shop where Emily is soon-to-be employed. I'm sure that won't become any kind of plot point in the future! Also, Toby's hair is REMARKABLY full of secrets at the moment.


And then Spencer goes back to A's lair, and...DUN!!!!


MEANWHILE, Wren calls Hanna to tell her that her visits have been helping Mona (sure) and Hanna has to pretend that he's Emily so that Caleb won't figure it out, because he also doesn't realize that she's been visiting Mona. You guys, come on.


You guys, come on, part 2: Is Toby's shirt partially see through? Discuss.


Obviously, all of the girls eventually get called in to talk to the police about the graverobbing, because they're the prime suspects in basically anything that happens in town. Equally obviously, the moms are the only ones to show up and discuss if the sitch, because adult men (dads) are morally weak and adult women (moms) are in charge of everything good on this show.


BEST FAMILY DINNER, NOT AWKWARD AT ALL, EVERYONE'S CASUAL


DUN DUNNN!! Spencer's been visiting Garrett in prison! You remember Garrett, he's the corrupt cop who was secretly dating Jenna, a high school girl. Because the cops are never going to get anything done and/or she wants to see him suffering.


Everyone with the business like nails this episode! Anyway, now Emily is having weird memories about a vintage car she's seen and getting these texts, which kind of...urgh. Like, that conveys a different kind of gross feel than the usual A shit. Stop that.


what


NO


And then this OTHER weird thing happens where apparently Spencer learned how to create massive 3D images?? And she has used her new improbable superpower to recreate A's lair, on account of how someone emptied out the motel overnight, and then left...


ONE MILLION COPIES of a creepy surveillance photo, some in sepia and some in full color, nice touch, BECAUSE WELCOME BACK!!!

Comments

[allchildren]

I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING EVEN LESS THAN EVER! BRILLIANT!